Saturday, 15 February 2020

February 14th...Where Has The Love Gone?

now that the hype of valentine’s day is over, where has love gone?

and i'm not talking about yesterday's "demonstration" of love, i mean genuinely...where has true love and respect actually gone?

remember r&b in the early 2000’s where love was the essence of us all growing up. big sis ashanti telling girls how "foolish" she was to let silly nonsense boys in her life (now some of you girls are doing that willy nilly)

uncle usher showing us in "you got it bad" how to dance in the rain for the love of your life (now we are making our girlfriends get out of the car and walk in the rain because she turned the music down and you found that disrespectful)

older cousins jagged edge making us feel like we’ve just walked out of heaven after messing up things with our girlfriend (nowadays we'd gladly rather walk hand-in-hand to hell with side-chicks)

and let’s not forget about everyone's favourite God-father maxwell who literally gave us the blueprint of how to truly love a woman in “this woman's work” (but no-one is trying to hear that anymore)

if you don't know the story then sorry but you have to read up on it yourself because it’s too long to explain (would definitely recommend to read up on the story though), but for those who do know the story isn't it sad that we don’t see/hear of love like this anymore?

all people see & seem to want nowadays is that glamorised love & hip-hop type of love

i think we live in a very selfish society where it’s all about me, myself & i...even worse when you’re in a relationship. it is said that your relationship/marriage is only as good as your singleness, so if you didn't mind being selfish during your single days then best believe you will still adopt the same principles of selfishness during your relationship/marriage. i once heard someone say “people get into relationships still trying to work on their singleness”, meaning that people get into relationships but still want/hold onto the single life “entitlements”...if this is you and you are not trying to see/hear any different then i advise you stay single for your own peace or the very best of luck to you

the thing is, we can all be selfish so i’m not even going to disregard this feeling. it’s almost a “natural” human default to be selfish as ultimately you have to look after number one and that is you right?. but selfishness more often than not is usually the result of our own or other peoples life experiences, past relationships etc. the art of learning however is to unlearn. more importantly though, it’s the willingness to unlearn which is the most prevalent factor

i know everyone is different but i genuinely believe that the key to a healthy relationship is to put your partners needs before your own. and remember that being in a relationship and being in a HEALTHY relationship are 2 completely different things, because for a healthy relationship to work there has to be minimal acts of selfishness and more acts of selflessness

remember if you could meet all your own internal needs, then you wouldn't feel the need to even be in a relationship 

and i get that you’re not always going to feel like doing it (rubbish day at work, you’re in your feelings because you lot have just had an argument, life itself getting ontop of you) but this is where i feel the foundation of a relationship is built...being able to put your partners needs 1st even when you don’t feel like it

think about it...if i keep trying to make the effort to put you 1st (even when i don’t feel like it), and in turn you keep trying to make the effort of putting me first (even when you don’t feel like it), we are both winning and everyone is happy right? 

and i say all this lightly for those who are casually dating because you're probably thinking i'm talking utter rubbish, and to be honest you probably won’t be even thinking like this. infact in the bible it never mentions anything about girlfriends & boyfriends, so if we’re keeping it buck if you are casually dating you actually don't owe each other anything lol...HOWEVER mutual respect & principles in a relationship should be upheld, and this applies both ways which means to you too lads (“love your neighbour as you love yourself” - mark 12: 31). so ask yourself the question...the way you treat your partner, would you want/like to be treated the same exact way?

if you are courting (dating with a purpose), engaged or married then this should resonate with you alot more, and i trust that you will pick up a thing or two here

(i went off on a bit of a tangent there but i had to give you context lol)

but yes in regards to putting your partners needs first, and don’t let this go over your head, but see it as constantly trying to outdo goodness for each other

like imagine if i do good for you, then you try outdo me with goodness, and then i try top the goodness you just done for me, we’re in constant healthy competition with each other no? a fairytale example i know lol, but what’s wrong with trying to make this a reality

and by goodness it’s not always about materialism, unless gifts are your thing. it’s the small things which may seem insignificant to you but is a big deal to your partner #lovelanguages

*side notes*

1) learn your partner’s love language. it may not ever become “easy” but it most definitely does become “easier” if you treat/love them how they WANT to be treated/loved, and not how you FEEL they should be treated/loved

it's like having a car with no power-steering at all but trying to turn it with one hand as if it has power-steering. you can clearly see the car isn't behaving how you want it to but you're still intent on turning the car with one hand because thats how you FEEL it should be handled...and then you have the cheek to complain that the car is not turning properly lol (your partner giving you a headache/not listening to you). mate, your car (partner) is saying "stop trying to steer me (treat me) with 1 hand because you want me to behave like i have power-steering. listen to me when i’m asking/telling you to just hold me with both hands and it’ll be easier for me to do what you want me to do (listen to you)"...i’m quite chuffed with that example if i do say so myself lol

2) and when i say put your partner 1st don’t do it at the expense of neglecting yourself/feeling even worse for putting your partner’s needs 1st/or making your partner “suffer” as result of putting yourself first

3) ultimately you have to make yourself happy first, and when you’re happy you’re more likely to make your partner happy, and when they are happy they make you happy, which makes you happier to make them happier, making them happier to make you happier (i’m sure you get drift now)...HOWEVER you have to make yourself happy first. it starts from you

it's like if you feel you are ugly, and you pray for a husband, then your knight in shining armour finds you, and you get married. and he tells you how pretty and beautiful you are every single day, you'll be very surprised that you can still find yourself ugly (most days) starts from you

it's like a serial cheat, who genuinely believes they will stop their cheating ways when they get married, but finds himself cheating on his wife multiple times and then even says to himself "i thought i was done with all this"

4) let's not fool ourselves, we are all aware that it is more than possible to put your partner 1st and not get the same energy back OR that neither one of you puts the other person 1st...i want to comment on this but it’s a whole different subject matter

but hear me out, you are not going to get it right every single time (you won’t. we're human so naturally we are going to fail at times), but the key is to aleast try to get it right. having the conscious daily effort of trying to get it right (making them happy) more than we get it wrong (making them unhappy) is really all a healthy relationship is asking for

and by the way, i am not expecting everyone to agree with me at the blink of an eye. in fact you may not even agree with me fullstop as i understand that we are all different, have gone through different life experiences etc but if i can help change one person's mind for the better (whether they are single or in a relationship) then ill be a happy man 

for me i believe that true love involves a great deal of sacrifice. alot of the time it is the sacrifice of our own ego’s, selfishness and pride which will help take our relationship to where you want it to go...

Thank you for reading

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